When You're Told "At Least You Know You Can Get Pregnant"
You've just lost your baby and now you're trying to navigate how other people respond to your news. Haven't you already got enough on your shoulders? This article explores the first steps you can take to move forward alongside it all.
First of all, I’m so sorry if this has been your experience after your loss. And whilst you understand that it can be tricky for others to know what to say after your baby has died, it doesn’t take away any frustration, anger and sadness towards that person in that moment and even after. “Did they really say that to me?” you replay in your mind as you sit down on your sofa in the evening after your encounter with a friend.
It can make you even question your friendships, and wonder who is really there to show up for you when you need it the most, rather than unhelpful comments which sometimes have the worst timing to land for you. “Haven’t I already got enough on my plate?” I hear you say through gritted and painful teeth, without having to also worry about what other people are going to say to you or not say to you. Unhelpful responses say a lot more about the other person's uncomfortableness and it's not yours to manage. But often you can be left picking up emotional pieces from it.
Your experience and the physical and emotional turmoil you might have been through to become pregnant, to then lose your baby is deeply upsetting, and yet ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’ diminishes your whole experience. That gratitude somehow has made it to the top of the pedestal of emotions that you should be feeling. Yes, gratitude can coexist amongst many other emotions, but this phrase carves the way for an expectation you didn’t have. You’re allowed to say, “I’m thankful I was pregnant, but I didn’t expect to lose my baby.”
As we know there is an unwritten amount of phrases that can feel really unhelpful and triggering, and I’m not about to list them here in this article. It’s inevitable that over time, you’ll slowly but surely learn how to manage how different responses land with you, which one’s will hold more emotions than others, and which ones lead you to setting boundaries with yourself and other people.
The thing is that nobody can teach you that, and what might land with you in a really upsetting way might not land the same way with someone else who has been through a similar experience. Which is why baby loss is incredibly unique, nobody has the answers other than yourself trying to understand your own personal experience. Having therapy can help you to cope better and to understand and manage your triggers, without any judgement, with a therapist who understands. I too have lost a baby, and I still shake my head at things I see on social media or things that people say that can be really damaging. You’ll never forgot the people that did or didn’t show up for you but there is a way of moving forward alongside it all.
The things that bother you are allowed to bother you, and you don’t have to keep them bottled in. You’ve already been through enough without having to worry about everyone else. You’re allowed to be as you are and to protect your peace as much as possible.
I’m here when you’re ready, without judgement. And I definitely won’t be saying to you “At least you know you can get pregnant”.
Sarah. X
