Common Feelings and Emotions After Baby Loss

First of all, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby.  I’m sorry that you’ve landed here. I understand the isolation which can feel crippling, like nobody else understands. I too have lost a baby.

It feels like you’re broken because losing a baby is such a physical and emotional trauma, there is no timeline that can ‘fix’ it or force you to ‘move on’ in some way. You’re now having to navigate your life without your baby and the future you had planned from the moment you saw the positive pregnancy test.

I’m here to remind you that you are not something to be fixed, or to move on from your baby. When you’ve experienced such a significant loss in your life, it’s not about forgetting them or minimising your experience in some way in the hope that you feel better. No. Feeling the rawness and pain is very real, and all of the emotions and feelings you’re going through are extremely valid. Some of the emotions you feel might shock you at times, and that’s okay.

Grief and sadness

Feeling deep sorrow for the loss of your baby can be really overwhelming and raw. Trying to process what’s happened can take a long time and there’s no timeline on how you’re feeling. Although sometimes, women do find they notice signs and symptoms of depression and even post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) so please do contact your GP if you feel like you’re not coping and need further support. Everyone’s experience of baby loss is different and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s important to have a good support system around you.

Guilt and self-blame

It’s very normal to feel guilty about losing the baby and life that you visioned with them. Like it’s your fault in some way, that your body has let you down. And this is why language around baby loss matters so much because often you can be left looking inwards, like you’re to blame in some way or it’s something you did or didn’t notice. But again, I’m here to remind you that it is not true at all. Losing your baby is not your fault.

It’s also very common to feel guilt around moving on from your baby in some way. Often this can be noticed when you’re starting to cope better, to have more happy moments in your life. But straight away your brain tells you that it means that you don’t love your baby or you’re forgetting about them in some way. Love and grief are very different and often with bereavement they can get tangled into a knot. Therapy can be a really valuable tool to untangle these feelings which can keep you stuck in the belief that happiness measures the love you have for your baby. It’s not true.

Anxiety and fear

Worrying about future pregnancies and experiencing a loss again, can be a really scary thought. How will I cope again? You might become hypervigilant of body movements and sensations, which can cause further anxiety and panic. Often women will have ‘reassurance’ scans, sometimes on multiple occasions and if this is the right decision for you, that’s okay!  Feeling fearful of becoming pregnant again is very common and you might feel that your loss has forever changed you. You might be feeling really sad about this and feel like you can’t control the anxieties you have now around future pregnancies and experiencing a loss again.

Shock and numbness

Struggling to process that your baby loss has happened is very common, particularly when it’s just happened. Your body can go into fight or flight mode, and it can be extremely difficult to accept and think about. How are you meant to process what’s just happened when the world around you appears to be carrying on as normal? It can be incredibly shocking and hard to navigate and often women and their partners are led to believe that it’s no big deal, ‘just try again’ you might here often. But there is no ‘just’ in this experience. It is not something to be minimised in any way. Therapy can be a way of offering yourself the space you need to sit with the shock and numbness. To breathe and to feel safe enough to talk about your loss.

Resentment and anger

Feeling jealous about pregnancy announcements is extremely common and it’s okay to feel mixed feelings about your friends who are now pregnant or just had a baby. It’s okay to want to skip the baby shower invite and feel angry that you were even invited! How insensitive you might think? Feeling resentment towards other people and even yourself are a normal part of grief and it doesn’t mean that you don’t care. In fact, it means the opposite! You’re allowed to say no to anything or anyone that might trigger your grief or make it more heightened. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend. Rightly so you’re putting yourself first and setting boundaries to protect yourself. It doesn’t mean that setting boundaries is easy though, it can be really hard.